Day 11

Tiring of my patterns, in desperate need of new ones.

I was a bit reluctant to come take class today because it’s been over a week since I’ve really moved. I always feel better when I do move, but it’s hard to motivate myself.

At class a bit earlier than normal, I start by listening to my body. Today, I want to take more pauses than I usually do. I play with this for a few minutes, and when the teacher starts class, he has us begin by listening. But what happens when I listen, and my body doesn’t want to move in the same rhythm of the class? Is it okay, as long as I keep listening? With the speaker view on Zoom, I always forget that the teacher probably can’t see me and that I don’t always have to go at the same intensity as the teacher. I try to push myself to keep up in person because of my close proximity to the other dancers and the teacher, but I suppose there isn’t really that demand online. No one can make you do anything. But I do know that these classes are aimed to be more or a workout, so maybe that also has me feling a need to push myself to stay with the teacher.

We work a lot with feeling ripples through our bodies, both big and small. Feeling thicker flesh and traveling texture through the body. I struggle with mapping the texture at first, losing track in the block of my torso. But I’ve done it before, so I know I can do it again. I’m glad this part of class is a bit slower so that I can take my time to feel where the textures are in my chest, ribs, shoulders. We focus on the ripple a bit closer to us, bringing less movement to our seaweed spine.

“Feel the space between every vertebrae, like your spine is a stack of sugar cubes. Feel it melting down, slowly.”

As the teacher gives us this image, I feel more space created in my spine. Sugar cubes are small, so I imagine and move with the space between each one. It's different structure than with seaweed, where the whole spine is connected. This melting image brings about a feeling of moving down, even though the ripples are traveling up. It's more of a constant direction and motion that lies beneath the ripples.

Now, we are creating space between our joints and moving our center. “Feel like you have a hot potato somewhere in your cneter. Move your hips away from it. Your ribs away from it. Feel the heat traveling through you.” I made the mistake of eating something spicy right before class, so my stomach is burning a bit with all of the exercise I'm doing. This idea helps me to initiate some movements from deeper in my belly, a place I maybe don’t move from enough. My ribs try to move apart from my hips, hollowing out my center. I feel longer, if that’s possible.

We also work on falling up slower than the speed of gravity and collapsing down quickly. I'm struggling with how when I collapse down, it isn’t all of me. It is maybe my knees or my hips or my arm, but then some other part of me always stays slower than gravity.

Moving feels good. I am tiring of my patterns and in desperate need of inspiration for new ones.